dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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