just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
