we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
