We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
