we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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