I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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