Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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