Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
