you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
