How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
