She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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