i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we're making bets on your personal life
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
