Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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