just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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