I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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