there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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