Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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