I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
