Old men and throwing up are my life now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
