I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
