were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
