just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
