I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
