My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize