I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
