Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize