ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
