i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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