I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
