your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
