K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
