Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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