oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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