what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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