you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Pants are for mortals
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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