someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
