You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize