Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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