I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
