You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
