i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
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I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
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I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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