Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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