Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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