People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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