Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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