I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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