he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
