he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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