Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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