when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.