so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
