If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
