yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
