Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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