i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
