Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
