I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
