I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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