Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
