i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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