I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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