I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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